glitch4583

Howdy journal, long time no type.

So, how do you go without your best friend? At this point, at least one person has said that what Joe and I are going through will pass. I sure how so because if not then I've basically lost the only person in this state that I can consider is a good solid friend. Man, I wish I had just gone home and talked to him later. The worst that could've happened is that we still weren't talking to each other today and that that would just work itself out later.
Damn me and my annoying need to resolve this shit overnight. I really fucked up this time and I pray so hard that I could fix this. Like I said in my Myspace blog, Joe really is/was like a brother to me. I wish I could explain how much his friendship has meant to me over this past year. I think at this point though that if I tried to talk to him, I'd be considered nothing more then a stalker. Wow...from friend to nutjob over one fight.
I'm spending time with my parents now and trying not to lose my mind in front of them over this whole thing. The funny thing is that if this doesn't work out, I guess I'll be saving a whole lot of money. Sad thought seeing as I'd give anything to put all of this right.

So....yeah...I'm 23. How did I commemorate this exciting day you might ask. Simple, I played Kingdom Hearts 2. Yes journal, my Birthday has officially sucked. Only 2 decent points on this day have occurred. First, I finally started talking to Webster again after we talked things out. This is good so that I have a grand total of TWO friends on this base. Secondly, I got the day off. Whoopdee fucking doo. Tomorrow I go back to work and life continues as usual, the ONLY upside being that I will be heading off to Missoula on Friday afternoon so hey, there ya go.
Well journal, I guess that was my little bitch session before I put up my uber post of doom one of these days. Until then, rest well journal.

Current Mood: depressed

Dear Journal,

Why do I try with these guys? Let's see...Matt was MAYBE 2 weeks, David was a week...I get a new guy every week and they all blow me off. Kevin...2 days, I think he's the fastest, which sucks for the potential he had. Now I meet Chris...he's cute, I'll give him that. Who knows how much of an interest he has in me though. He didn't really talk to me last night, though he does says he was nervous, so I can understand that. Well, we'll see. Odds say he'll blow me off for whatever reason he'll come up with but hey, so is my life.

Work...god...3 hours...enough said...

Dear Journal,

Well, I lost another good one, Kevin. Yeah I met him at a club, yeah I only talked with him twice outside the club, but I thought he had potential, some real potential. Most of the guys I meet, I can tell almost right away that they won't work out. Nathan I knew, David I had a suspicion, so many other guys I knew. True, I didn't fully believe that anything would work between us, being 2 hours away and all, but GOD was he full of possibilities.

Well, aside from being pathetically single? The more I think about it, the more I think I may be in shit for this physical on friday morning. Thank to the air force, not really given alot of time to drop weight. Makes ya feel good, eh?

Well, this was just a quick venting, until later, may your equation be balances, my you find happiness, and my god be in your life at all times

Dear Journal,

Yeah, I know, it's been what? 2...3 weeks? Go figure. Well, things go well. Intuit is good job, the people on the other end are annoying occasionally, but I think I can deal. If all goes well, I should be able to go on a week vacation at the end of tax season, 3 days in Illinois and 3 days in Boston. Go see the family, maybe see grandpa one last time, lets face it, he's old. The most exciting part'll be going out to Chicago though, maybe getting to see my old house in Evanston.

My god I miss Brandan. He was great, he was amazing, he was hot, he was just fun to be around. He was so cuddly, I could sit in his arms for hours if I could, just to be with him. He made me happy. Yeah, I'll probably see him this may but still not the same. If there was one person I would've stayed in Orlando for, it was him. It's hurting even now, thinking back to him, knowing that while we did have fun while we did, that will probably be all. I dunno...I felt a future, I felt like I could wake up next to that boy every morning. I've never felt like that about a person before and I miss it. Wow, that must sound creepy. Well, I do still have massive respect though for him that he didn't want to pursue a relationship since I was leaving. Still doesn't take away the hurt though, but hey, life is pain alot of the time.

Speaking of relationships, wow. I've got an 18 y/o that is crazy about me. He is cute, I must give him that, but I don't know if he's matured enough yet. He got real pouty when I wouldn't stop everything I already had planned to go see him. I told the boy, "I'll see you on Sunday" but no, not happy with that. Oh well, we will see what happens. Date with richard is tonight so who knows what'll happen with that.

Sad that CJ didn't work out. Why do the people that you get along the best with never click back? Aside from the religion issue, we clicked, guess he didn't see it the same way. Ah well, so is my life.

Glad that Chris and I are on the same level for our relationship. I do appreciate that he could understand that I just wanted to be friends with him. I mean come on, he's 10 years older then me and has some different feelings about sex. Of course...I was also sub-cast for Rocky Horror Picture Show, so that should show ya my feelings about sex, heh. The only virgin in the cast, good times.

Well, time for bed, busy weekend coming up, date, club, movies, fun!

Until next time, may your life be well, may your equation be balanced, and my peace guide you.

Current Mood: depressed

Dear Journal,

Well, I got the job with Intuit. I started by showing up at 9:45....after I was so hoping I could get a morning off. Went in, did their mock-phone evaluation, listened to one lady do some CSR stuff for a while, then did the actual interview. She was very impressed by my answers....of course. After that fun, came home, slept for an hour and a half, woken up by the phone. Answered it, talked to Intuit, was given the job and yay.

Tonight reminds me why I'm moving to Intuit. Yes, sure, I interact with people more at Fridays but the tips are horrible. Tonight I got a total of $50, 10 of which went to the runners, which looking back, I think was a crappy idea. Anyways, reinforced my plan to join Intuit, I know how much I'll be making, which is a good thing.

David...that boy. Last saturday, I went all the way up to see him, most of the show was over, I could've gone home. I come out, watch the end, go out to see him and what happens? He's afraid to be seen touching me by the RHPS cast. WHY!? He says he's afraid to be seen showing PDA in public because he thinks somebody's going to hurt him. Paranoia...fine...we can work on that. But with the Rocky cast? That's ridiculous. Yeah, they'll see me with you, what will they do? He REFUSES to commit to me and that is why we won't work out I think. Yeah, he may like me alot but he thinks I only need to commit to him, sorry, doesn't work that way...oyyyy....

Well, I need to be up in the morning, G'Night

Current Mood: indifferent

Dear Journal,

BLAH! Work, for 12 1/2 hours...that's an hour and a half awake before and after work too, better be some good money... Anyways, let's see....first I "followed" Amy which basically consisted of her giving me a couple tables and that's it. Eh, only messed up one order, need to remember to look at what's they're pointing at from now on.

The second shift had its ups and downs. First they just wanted me to be the door man, which was dumb once the front god really crowded, so I helped the servers. Ya know, bounce around the restaurant, makes sure people get their drink orders, clear tables, refresh drinks, resolve any issues I can. Table 36 loved me, thought I was hilarious, which made the end of my night very nice.

Wrapping that silverware though, ARG! Three hours of wrapping and I just barely kept up with the amount that was needed at any given time. So all-in-all, I'd prefer to get server pay but just do the bouncing around, it's much more fun. Ah well, a server I shall be, but I'll be a good one...I hope

Tomorrow I'll call Intuit, see what I can get worked out. If I could get a job that pays 50% better..considering TGIF pay plus tips, is more fun, and is easier? Heck, I'll jump it in a second. Wow...I almost said "in a heartbeat"....I'm turning into my mom! ahh!!!!

Well, time to go, got to work in the morning, try to use the fact I worked a double as leverage to get sunday off. If I can't...we'll see. I DO need to have a day off soon, I'm wearing out. So, until tomorrow, g'night

Current Mood: exhausted

Well, before I write this, David, since I know you're going to read this, please remember that these are just my thoughts, no real filter on it. What I say is what I've felt through the day in its most honest form. Now, with that out of the way

Dear Journal,

Well, today was day 2 of TGI-Fridays. Here I thought I might get upgraded to be a server and the new hostess doesn't show up, go figure. Oh well, I like the job, it's nice to be the first person people see, puts that disney training to good use I guess. The servers are annoying me just a tiny bit. I do something to help them, to make our image look good, and they think it's weird. It's weird to get a guest's drink when they're waiting for a server to show up, it's weird when I don't follow the all holy circle of seating. They just need to trust that I have a reason for doing what I'm doing and shut up. Ah well, so is the way a business like that works. I'm still the new guy, they don't know me well enough, it's understandable. I'll keep doing what I'm doing though, Jay seems to like it, what with the future raise and all.

And of course, Intuit just HAS to call me, saying they may be able to get a job. Sure, if the pay's good enough, I'll leave the restaurant, but still, it sucks to have to do. I hate the thought of jumping into a job, having the management like my work, then just leave, but hey, that's the business work with all its suck. Of course, this all depends on Intuit picking me up full time, if they do, I'll give a 2 weeks notice so I can be replaced, so I can leave on good terms, and go do a tech job....yay. Also depends on the scheduling too though....I need saturday nights and sundays off....they better at least...I like my weekends.

Well, just met another guy today, too bad he lives in NY. Ah well, he seems somewhat interesting, not just totally interested in for sex, he can deal with me being a virgin, or at least so he claims. Damn but he's cute though....doesn't it always work that way? Also, talking with him on the phone doesn't really flow...it seems almost forced...hmm. He'll be something I need to figure out, but somebody I should keep it touch with. He's nice and also a person I could stay with if I ever feel like goin back up to NYC before shipping out.

CJ though....CJ I can talk to for hours with...heck, I have talked to him for hours... And the conversations just flow. We talk about being gay, about the civil war, about how penguins are funny, family, some other stuff, then back to gay....and tonight we talked about computers....wow. I like that, that when we talk, we can just talk, no expectations, he can make me laugh, no real attraction of DOOM, just liking to talk to each other. I'm starting to like the sound of his voice, it's becoming relaxing, always a good sign. Well, soon I'll have a face to put to that voice though, come saturday, or so my plans go.

David...david david david. He's somethin...he does horrible stuff to me, tells me I'm worthless, then comes back. Yeah, I know, have the grace of Christ, but I'm not Jesus, he betrayed me and it hurt, alot. And then throwing himself on me in the car, wanting to be my boyfriend right then and there. I swear...when he gets going he never thinks about what he says...something we'll have to work on, knowing how to handle yourself. Now, if that's as friends or boyfriends is still yet to be seen.

Tomorrow David wants to see me, but then he wants me to take him to the train station by 7am....we may have to work on that. It's not taking time with him that's the issue, it's the simple matter of us staying up late, then waking up early, taking him to the train, then going to work with minimal sleep. I already know that I made mistakes today and work just because I'm not getting enough sleep. Hey though, we'll see what happens.

Well, time for bed, get a whole 5 hours of sleep...yay...

G'night Journal

Current Mood: tired

Dear Journal,

Oh....headachs suck...I hope I'm not getting sick, maybe i've just looked at the monitor too long today....which is also bad. That would mean I'M GETTING OLD! AHH!! Tomorrow I should know, could also be the obscene amounts of Mountain Dew I've been drinking, maybe mom's right and I should cut down a bit.

Don't worry Journal, I've beat myself up about missing the past 3 days, I need to work on that. Well, David is taken care of I think. I told him the reasons I don't respect him enough to talk to him anymore and he never responded so I think he got the hint. It was hardly easy though..I liked him...he thought I was amazing..though a good number of guys think that. I must say, it is a blessing to not be all looks, but to be gifted by God with a good personality and an honest happiness for life, most of the time. :) I thank God that I met a person like Chris at Nation, somebody who realizes that while I may be good looking, I also have a personality that honestly cares about people. I know to anybody reading this that it may seem that I have a huge ego about it, but that's not how I view it. I am simply giving thanks to the one that created me that I have the traits in life that I do, that he set me up with parents that taught me how to care, and friends that taught me how to deal with others. I am forever thankful to those people.

I am thankful to Chris Birkl for being my friend for those five years, for being that other half of me. I thank Mrs. Birkl because she taught me, without even knowing it, that a friendship needs to be savored, because who knows when it can be torn away from you. I am thankful to Sean and John as a whole for being there for me all this time, sean even more so, only if it's because it's been over a decade of knowing him, and to John, for accepting me, despite my difference. Him telling me that it didn't matter, that he was my friend no matter what I was, who I liked, that was great.

I am thankful to Rachel, for teaching me to be faithful, I am thankful to Matt for teaching me that I need to stay in contact with the people I care about, I am thankful to David for showing me that people have a worth beyond money. I know that these last three are from relationships gone badly, but even there you can learn something.

I am thankful to the cast of HHNXIV, for letting me be myself FOR ONCE, for liking me or disliking me for who I honestly am. I am thankful to Elaine for being my crazy cuban woman. Honestly though, I am thankful to her for standing with me, for supporting me, for being weird with me, for being funny, for being beautiful. I am reminded by her as well that if I am interested in a person, girl or guy, that I need to let them know more about me a little sooner. Could things have gone differently between the two of us? Maybe, but it was my mistake, I now hope that she and Michale are truly happy together, and I BETTER be able to get leave off for the wedding.

I am thankful to Scott for being my friend the way he was, for teaching me self-control even though he didn't know it, for supporting me, for being HILARIOUS. (MINE!) I pray for him, to find somebody in his life that can make him very happy, to find that girl that realizes what kind of guy scott is.

I am thankful to Casey for reminding me that people still are not all accepting of us, that there are the people, that no matter how out there they might seem, are still closed minded and insecure with themselves.

I am thankful to the cast of RHPS, for letting me out there as I wanted, and still appreciated me. I am thankful to Logan for being crazy and funny, and accepting, and kind, kinder then I think some people realize. He was an honestly nice guy, even if at the end, he got jealous because he thought I had blown him off. I am thankful to Bri-pi for being Bri-pi, for making me laugh, for being...well, him. Bit too sexually charged for my taste...ok...alot too sexually charged, but still fun. Thanks to Paparazzi for BLINDING ME DURING THE MOVIE WITH HIS CAMERA!! I do honestly hope that he and Kyle are together for a long time, they seem honestly happy together.

Most of all in the cast, I am thankful to Brandon. He was stable, he knew, at least somewhat, what he was doing with his life. He never wanted to sleep with me, which makes me respect him more then he knows, he didn't want a relationship then would end in a month and a half, with I also respect more then he will ever know. I pray for him, I pray that he finds somebody, somebody wonderful, somebody understanding, somebody that grasps how unique he is. Her's also to hoping with still talk to each other in a couple years so we can go on that europe trip!

I am thankful to Dan, for being understanding, even as much of a horny bastard as he is. I miss you dan, see you this march!I will always remember our day to Disney, riding on those trains for THREE HOURS!!! And even though I may have been a little pissy, deep inside, it made me so happy to see how he was around those trains, the passion he had for them, amazing.

I am thankful to Jay, for showing me the balance between being who I am in my relationship and who I am with Christ. He was, and still is, a mentor to me.

Last but hardly least, I am thankful to my parents, and to God. My parents, showing me love, teaching me compassion here in the world, though maybe not being able to fully accept me for who I am, still love me.

God, the one who made me just the way I am. I know that I am the way I am for a purpose, that my nature will, in the end, be to his glory. He shows me the never ending love, no matter what stupid thing I do, I know that he will ALWAYS accept me. Thank you.

Well Journal, I know I've written mini versions of this before, but it needed to be said, I had a different direction for this entry when I laid down, but wow, it's better then I planned. Well, now I need to sleep, mom will be waking me up early since she HAS to vacuum or somethin...go figure.

Safe travels to you all and G'night

Current Mood: sick

SNOW! ARG! Last night, it was 12 degrees, today it snowed, I want Orlando back! Amazing that 3 weeks ago, I was talking to Jason about how they actually had to turn the heater on, and today I'm shoveling snow. GO figure.

Well, looks like I'll be staying in Virginia, mom and dad just shot that idea down, dad of course in his wonderful "No discussion, just decision" way, and mom? Mom changed the agreement with rent...of course. Ah well, a couple more months, I shall be in BT.

David david david...odd kid...self-indulged kid...confused kid...I will keep praying for him.

In good news, looks like I might be getting a full time job with at least DECENT PAY at TGI Fridays doing bus work, we'll see friday afternoon, here's praying for it. (PLEASE GOD!) I just need a job, anything stable, though if they could give me the entirety of sunday off, that would rock so very much, gotta get my LARP time in :)

Well, it's past 4am so, SLEEP TIME! God EQ2 keeps me up late....

Until tomorrow night,

G'night

Current Mood: blah

Dear Journal,

So, I went out on the job hunt again. Funland doesn't like me so hey, why stay with them? I went to Intuit, they were...ok, not as hopeful as I wanted. Fridays seems to like me, maybe I can go with them, though...that would be a fun transfere.

The stupid mouse/kb combo! Such a waste, both units are SO getting sent back....at least the newegg one, i'll keep Bestbuy busy with some more of these things...maybe :)

Hey, might be moving back to Florida, there just isn't anything for me here, I can't even be myself. I think Mo and Jason would take me back, seeing as I left on good terms, even if I did owe them some money. Tomorrow I'll call Oviedo and see how interested they are in me, I'll wait for a responce from that crystal place, I should call Universal as well, see what they can do for me.

Why must the Airforce be so lazy? They say they want me, the sargent's just....lazy.

I don't think David will work out, he's proving that he has no interest in changing his ways, why should I worry about him then? I think I'll just let him down, not harshly unless I need to, and let him go on his way. I pray that he may learn from this experience though that people do have a value more then a few bucks a week.

All in all, not a dramatic DAY, just one with some catalyst potential, here's praying for guidance.

Good night.

Current Mood: content

Dear Journal,

I would just like to start off saying that my two best friends, Sean and John simply rock. I could've been sitting alone in my room all day today and last night but John took the time to call me and ask if I wanted to hang out with him and Sean. Yeah, it may seem like nothing big, but to me, it was. It's something I don't experience very often due to the lack of people I can call friends..Sean and John being some of the very few that have earned that title.

Yeah, sure, the people at church will deal with me, even maybe enjoy the time they do spend with me, but I never see them really reach out to be a friend...to just spend some time. Like when I got back to Virginia, no real excitement I was back at all, just a "Hi Robin" and that was pretty much all I got. Sure, the song says that as long as we stay together in Christ that it will be like we're never gone but ya know what? I WAS gone, for 2 years, and I get nothing....sometimes it does make ya wonder.

What should I do with David? He seems to want to continue to be my friend, but after what he did, how can I? Yeah, sure, I'm supposed to have the forgiveness of Christ, but when is enough enough and when is something just a lost cause? Then again, shouldn't I have been a lost cause a long time ago if I went by that standard? Definitely something to think and pray about.

Mom....there's an unstable issue. She always apologizes, always says it won't happen again, then only 2 weeks into moving back together, BANG. 9 months of peace, beautiful non-coexistence and now she's back to yelling at me, such a great feeling. Now THAT would be an interesting arguement stopper....hey mom, I'M GAY! Yeah, she'd stop.....then totally flip out...or would she? Maybe she would stop, maybe think, maybe realize how little she really knows her son. Of course, I love the idea of serving my country too much to do that and risk them outting me and stopping me from enlisting. So maybe, in 4 years...when the next president comes around, then I can tell them. Sure, they'll probably keep it quiet, good to know sara supports me, heck, the whole family would....though grandma would just be confused, hah.

Until tomorrow night, this is me, signing off.

Current Mood: contemplative

Dear Journal,

Another day, not enough dollars. Funland once again has sent me home early, I swear they're gonna make me quit early at this rate. The Sabbat game looks like it could go well, just need to call in sick next sunday. Might as well, they'll only give me a couple of hours of work as it is. Tomorrow, Jon should know if I can get at least an interview for that job at Intuit. If I could get it, I would be so much happier, even if I would have to quit it in a few months to go into the military.

David has popped up, trying to give me money for the gas, did he not listen to me at during our conversation at the theater? I told him twice that I didn't care if it cost me a little more then usual, he was worth it...amazing, simply amazing, he seems to feel that a relationship should not cost a thing money-wise. I'll tell ya though, I will keep praying for him. He's as an odd place in his life, saying that he's not sure about being gay all this time. I personally think it may just be that he's Bi and is afraid to admit that he has feelings for both genders, or doesn't understand the concept, or something...I don't know, and he didn't want me to help him with it.

Why are people so afraid to ask for help? To admit they have a weakness and that they need somebody else beside them? It's the same as saying that the people close to you are helpless as well. At least in my situation, I know that I can't ask for help because if I do, my life could be over...at least as far as the Military is concerned.

Well, I'm not surprised that David didn't get what I was trying to say, in fact he just dug his hole even deeper. Once again....simply amazing. But again, I will pray for him, I will pray he finds himself, I will pray that he finds a direction, I will pray he finds the right person for him, I just know that that person will never be me.

Goodnight.

Current Mood: lonely

Dear Journal,

I guess that's how you're supposed to start it, at least that's what I always saw on Doug. Anyways, I guess I open this Journal on a sad note. David wasn't up to it. People need to realize sometimes that in a relationship, people need to make sacrifices for what they want. They need to get another job to get that cool new thing they want, they need to give up how they feel for people to serve their country, they need to give up alot of things for lots of different things.
Sometimes it's an investment though, what you get out is more then what you put in, much more. Put your heart, your time, and sometimes your resources into a relationship, and you'll get something amazing out of it, a feeling unmatched by anything else. Sometimes the relationship doesn't work out, sometimes you lose that person, like Matt, or Rachel.
But always remember, those times, no matter how short or how long, need to be cherished, need to be remembered, because they become a part of you. I may hate that she cheated on me, I may hate that neither of them could commit themselves to me at all, but I appreciate them, all of them, because they make me who I am. Maybe I am lucky to have these quick relationships now. They make me wiser, they make me more cautious, but most importantly, they teach me how not to treat the next person I meet, that when I meet that next special person, that I need to keep doing what I'm doing. I need to continue to be willing to commit to them, to put myself out there. True it may hurt more when it ends, but in the in-between times? That time is made so much better by the effort put out there, that while the investment is small, the return is wonderful and THAT is what living means. I means saying damn to everybody else that thinks it's s stupid and doing it.

Not bad for a first entry, eh?

Current Mood: depressed